Britt’s 2023 Wrapped, pt 2
At the time of this posting we are four full weeks into 2024. I have not touched any alcohol. I started and finished reading Nightcrawling by Leila Mottley (which I highly recommend). I have been meal prepping and working out consistently, walking WAY more, and slowly rebuilding my nightly yoga practice. I have gone on dates with three different people and I remain open to others by continuing to swipe and chat on the dating apps. This coming Thursday (the first day of February) I will join a gym walking distance from my home and workout with a friend there. I am looking forward to getting back into weight-lifting and the possibility of community that working out in a gym might bring.
My goals for 2024 are quite ambitious, yet, seeing the progress I’ve made towards them in just four weeks reminds me I am capable. My goals are as follows:
Continue therapy
Begin and make consistent a fitness hobby (I gave myself a lot of options for this one like dance, boxing, running, yoga, the gym, etc.)
Continue and make consistent creative hobbies (I gave myself options for this one too!)
Stay at my current job
Read at least 12 books
No alcohol for the year
Take steps towards becoming a therapist
Now that you’ve gotten a peek at what my 2024 is going to be like let’s go on a final journey together where I recap the last half of my year.
July
I started this month off still in New York on my trip with my best friend. Then I went home for two days to New Jersey to see my family and have an Independence Day BBQ with my sister and her dog.
When I got back home to Oakland I began working again after my month-long medical leave. I took that leave to give myself the space to really focus on filling up my mental health well. I decided to continue riding the dating wave while back home and went on a few dates. None of them were memorable and I was starting to feel discouraged and like the fun of dating was no longer there. I had decided that I would take a break from it if things with the last two guys I was talking to did not go anywhere.
I had a particularly rough therapy session on Wednesday, July 12th. In fact, I had a rough day in general. I cried on my couch alone in my apartment. I was feeling defeated by dating, depressed from my lonelinesses and isolation, I didn’t want to be back at work, and I had post-trip blues. I ordered McDonalds for lunch that day and beat myself up for it. I worried that I ruined my appetite for my sushi date later. I then had a tough therapy session and sobbed again on the couch afterwards. I debated canceling my date, but went on the app and checked in with him instead. I even made a joke about eating McDonalds and he responded in a supportive and humorous way that made me feel safe and curious to know more about him. Feeling a little better I got up and went on a run and came back a little high off endorphins. I decided I didn’t care what happened on the date, I was just going to show up and go with the flow. Little did I know I was showing up to a new chapter of my life that would span about 6 months of it.
J (I am shortening his name) and I connected so quickly on our first date and after our second date he told me he knew he wanted to be with me and no one else. He said he’d be uncomfortable if I went on the date I had planned later that week with someone else. I felt really good about J, but I was also worried that we were moving too fast. I have historically gotten into relationships quickly that ended just as fast as they started. I was trying to do things differently this time, yet, I was scared I’d lose J so I agreed to date him exclusively. We began spending much of our time together and by the end of July he joined me on a group camping trip with friends.
During that trip I had my first cliff-diving experience with J. We walked really far and found a secluded spot to jump off some rocks. I was scared and excited to fully trust him with such a thrilling experience. It will always be one of my favorite moments to reflect on when I think of him.
August
This month J and I went on a lot more nature trips and dates. Most notably we hiked Mount Tam, went to see his favorite band – Smashing Pumpkins – and he reintroduced me to pottery, one of his hobbies. My sister and best friends were in town so I got to host them both separately which was a lot of fun, but also wore me out. The trips overlapped each other and I didn’t give myself space to say no and prioritize my wellness. A running theme we revisit in therapy is how I set and communicate my boundaries. I am getting better, but I still occasionally flex on my boundaries especially for those I love.
I got to do a bunch of touristy things I otherwise would have continued to put off as a result of my sister and friends’ visit. We went to Coit Tower, did the Alcatraz night tour (highly recommend), went to an Oakland A’s game (and ended up on TV!), and went to Tonga Room & Hurricane Bar in SF (a really cool tiki bar with a boat in the middle of an indoor pool inside of the restaurant, STRONG drinks, and live music after 7 – also highly recommend).
I also made time for my local friends and went to Oakland’s First Fridays and had an at home dinner date with a close chef friend of mine!
September
In September J and I went on even more trips. We stayed in a treehouse in Crescent City over Labor Day Weekend, we volunteered together in Yosemite for its 20th annual Facelift, and we went to Renaissance Faire together.
Our treehouse trip was unfortunately tumultuous, but we found ways to make up and make the best of it. While there we befriended our host’s outdoor kitty who busted her way into our treehouse one night to snuggle with us. 🥹 We explored Jedediah Smith Redwoods State Park, most notably the Grove of Titans. We drove along the Avenue of the Giants and through a tree, hiked a small piece of Humboldt Redwoods State Park, and visited an active light house – Battery Point Light – in Crescent City. We also saw two banana slugs mating and SO MANY Roosevelt Elk, which are the largest elk in the U.S.! 🤯
Yosemite Facelift is a 5-day volunteer trash pick-up event and now is Yosemite’s official NPS Public Lands Day Event! It’s mostly volunteer run and was also created with the mission and vision to preserve and protect historic artifacts within Yosemite and to educate and raise public awareness about climbing in Yosemite. One of my previous coworkers who’s been a volunteer for over 15 years invited me because they knew of my love of the outdoors and the other volunteer work I do to build and maintain hiking trails in California. I was ecstatic to be included in this type of work in one of my favorite places in California! J and I spent two days sorting through and doing data entry on TEN THOUSAND POUNDS of trash collected by volunteers all throughout Yosemite National Park. We spent one day hiking in the Tuolumne area to collect trash ourselves, mostly micro-plastics, that totaled 3.75 pounds. It was really hard work and not a glamorous weekend of camping in Yosemite which some might think. I also noticed I was the only Black woman volunteer that made up the core group of volunteers. I am hoping my presence alone inspires more people who look like me to get involved, but I also know that I can’t rely on something so passive to be the change I want to see. It’s up to me to carry forward the awareness and importance of this event to try and increase the diversity there. I’m also grateful my coworker and friend extended the opportunity to me and J!
J and I’s trip to Ren Faire was interesting to say the least. It was my second time there, J’s first time ever, and my first time meeting his friends. I was a little nervous because I wanted to make a good impression on them, but I also had the problems of our relationship as a backdrop to the day. It was a fun experience but not my favorite Ren Faire at all.
October
In October, J and I had one of our many break ups. This one hurt the most aside from the very last one. It was an emotionally-chaotic month for me because while I was grieving the loss of the first man I ever truly loved I watched two separate sets of friends cement their love for each other with the tradition of marriage. I went from a beautiful ceremony in Oakland to another gorgeous one the very next day in North Carolina. It was honestly two of the most beautiful things I experienced all year, especially their vows which taught me so much about true and safe love.
During this month I also went to San Diego for a tech conference for work. It felt more like an adult playground/music festival than a conference. I had so much fun with my team and meeting industry friends for the first time as well as seeing old friends!
I ended the month with a really fun Halloween party hosted by a good friend and saw my favorite band in the world, LEISURE, in the flesh. I wrote about my spooky season’s musings here.
November
In November, J and I decided to stay apart permanently. I didn’t want to accept it, but I knew I had to and that it was for the best.
It’s still hard for me to admit that I experienced domestic violence from his hands. I know he loved me and I also know that he didn’t have healthy ways of coping with his anger. I know that I am not responsible for how he treated me. Though our time together was short, I learned so much from him and from dating him that I’ll carry forward. I learned how to accept responsibility for my actions and apologize even if I felt wronged too. I learned how to be more nurturing and soft to my partner. I learned that I am not responsible for my partners’ emotions or actions. I learned I want a partner that makes me feel desirable – not matter if I have a couch potato day where I play phone games and eat comfort food, if I am being weird and silly by crawling on the floor and beatboxing, or if I am being sexy in a swimsuit – J was so good at helping me feel beautiful and safe in my skin. I learned how to communicate better and label my emotions instead of falling into avoidant tendencies. I learned that I enjoy some finer things in life because I worked hard to have and maintain them and I don’t want to ever sacrifice my comfort for someone else’s. I learned not to take feedback as an attack on my character.
This relationship taught me more than any romantic relationship I have ever had because I never loved any of the men I dated before. I am not sure I still love J at this point in my life, but I do still have a lot of care for him and I hope that he is somewhere healing and healthy.
My grieving was made better by a visit from my best friend. He was incredibly patient and caring as I would spontaneously sob throughout the week and as my mood shifted from okay to deeply depressed. He showed up for me in ways I couldn’t even show up for myself. I was really glad for the timing of his trip so that I didn’t have to be alone, but I also felt incredibly sad that his trip was partially colored in grey. He was a real friend and gentlemen to me about it and didn’t let it affect him or at least didn’t let me see that it did. Before he left, he wrote me a heartfelt thank you card and we shared a cry together. It made me feel so grateful to have a strong male figure who I love and trust support me after being let down by another who I had loved and trusted.
The highlights of my best friend’s visit were introducing him to my friends at a birthday dinner followed by drinks at a lounge, the delightfully delicious day we spent being bougie in wine country, and the moment he got to meet my friend who is his name doppelgänger in real life and do some thrifting with me!
Later in the month I celebrated the 70th birthday of one of my long-time friends here in Oakland and made a new friend that evening. I celebrated the birthdays of two other important friends and downloaded dating apps again.
December
Some of my darkest days were in December as I was deep in the throes of seasonal depression, battling being sick back to back, moving to a new place and paying double rent, and recovering from heart break. I truly did not believe I would get to the mental state I am at now (as I type this) which is one of stability and positivity. I was having trouble falling and staying asleep and having lots of suicidal ideations. I leaned on my friends hard and they poured into me which was so healing. They celebrated my vulnerability, my ability to clearly ask for what I need, and how I didn’t stop showing up for myself, even when life got hard. Three of my women friends physically showed up to take care of me and remind me I was loved and not alone. Others called and texted. It meant a lot to be reminded of the support system I built here. I am an incredible person with people around me who reflect that.
Moving into my new place 1.5 months before my then current lease was up was a tough decision but I decided not to let money be a determining factor in how I prioritized my wellness. I wanted to leave behind the painful memories I built up in my old apartment, I wanted lower monthly rent, I wanted more space, I wanted to live with mature people, and I wanted to live around less noisy neighbors who didn’t clean up their dogs’ shit. I got all of that and more. In my new home, I have the largest bedroom I have had in life, my own separate office, a backyard with a lemon tree, a porch I can sit on, my own bathroom with a deep bathtub, and I am in a safe and quiet suburban neighborhood that is still somehow walkable to a plethora of restaurants, bars, dance and yoga studios, Lake Merritt, and more.
I got to know one of my housemates by grocery shopping and cooking, settling into our home, and exploring our new neighborhood together. I saw Beyoncé’s documentary with friends which made me regret all over again that I missed the Renaissance tour, and I reconnected with my board game friend group and other friend groups at brunches, holiday parties, and pop ups. I decided to delete my Instagram, again, I know, I know, but I promise I’m not going back on that app. I honored my family by making our recipe for baked macaroni and cheese and shared it with my housemate and a close friend! I ended the year by making the very list of goals you read at the top of this post and went to bed before the clock struck 12. How’s that for full circle? 🙂
